Time is of the Essence..

I was afraid this blog thing would be doomed like my journals in the past by my tendency to abandon them, usually more empty pages than not. I started thinking of the time in my life when I would make journal entries every day. Looking back on the more successful journals that were filled to the very last page, including a makeshift index for all of my favorite entry dates, it really made me miss that urgency I felt to write down every thing I went through on my daily life.

I used to find it hard to believe that 10 years could just come and go, thinking that if only people kept in touch with themselves and what they were experiencing the way that they keep up with their appearances then time would be a lot more forgiving. I'm starting to realize that when I put off that daily check-in with myself the faster time is passing. It seems to me that since my idea of the beginning of the year is no longer September when the school year starts, I've been losing track of time. Of my time, of the time of day and sometimes I don't even know what day it is!

Timing, timeless, sometimes, one time, no time, any time. So many different ways to describe time! The saddest of these may be 'one time' or worse yet having 'no time.' Does every body stop and think about time passing? I feel as if people begin to realize with less vigor how precious time really is-- when it should be the other way around as we are getting older after all. I can remember a time when 2 weeks until the big dance felt like an eternity. Or when the summer days seemed to last forever, long enough to make you forget what it is like to wake up for a jam-packed school day for 10 whole months.

Have you ever heard a person in their 40s or 50s talking about the days of their youth as if it were the last time they were really alive; as if they themselves were dead and gone already? I'm starting to fear for my life, because the way they tell it, it'll be over in the next 10 years regardless of how much longer I live after that. And what about my children? I hear people tell stories of the glory days of their children's youth, as if now that they are adults the days of making memories are long gone. It must be a lot of work to make every year of your life better than the last or the very least as eventful as those before them because the consensus seems to be that one or two decades of living it up are supposed to be enough to hold you over until you die.Maybe the trick is slowing down long enough so we don't let the good ole days get too far behind.

As painful as it is, we need not to try to rush through heart break, or pain or embarrassment, or anything else unpleasant we wish would just be over with already. it is time after all that we are hurrying along when we wish for those things. And when it is so short and fleeting already we ought to know better.

I wish I knew the secret to banishing the disconnect that comes with living that way...maybe it is living for today, and maybe it is letting go of yesterday or trying not to think fondly back on a time as better days than today. The best I can do is promise to myself to reflect more often on my daily life and if I'm not happy with how I'm spending my precious time to DO something about it. Now is the time.