The Here On In

It may be raw, uncut, unrefined and maybe eventually a little unorthodox once I get brave enough- but this is my first meager attempt to reach out and express myself in a too-big-world that I am too unfamiliar with for comfort.

A believer in omens and signs..I was taken aback when I finally resolved to sit down and start this blog to find four fortunes from the sometimes inedible fortune cookies sitting on the computer desk and they each spoke to what I was feeling. The first read: "Ability is not something to be shown off." Well my reaction was OK..so maybe I shouldn't blog after all. I'm just going to be trying to show off and who likes a showoff?? Good thing I kept reading because the second one read: "You're not afraid of storms because you're learning to sail your ship." Believe me I have weathered so many storms in my life already, this hit so close to home. This could been enough to motivate me to claim my rightful space for self expression but it wasn't. I sat here staring at my computer thinking about all the reasons I shouldn't do this..I'm not a good enough writer, I'll be embarrassed if my husband reads it, I'll be embarrassed if my friends read it, God- how frustrating! Why am I concerned with what other people think so often? Its hard for me to admit that because I always thought I strived to be an individual and to set apart and go against the grain but I'm starting to realize that can't be true considering where my actions in the past have lead me on this present day. So I read on.."Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort." The choir sang, a single beam of light shone down on my head, time slowed, a light bulb lit, something in my chest churned and it hit me. So I clicked on the page. I stopped. What the hell am I going to blog about? What could I possibly have to say that's worth posting for millions ( generally speaking) to see?? I gave it a minute or ten just staring at the screen and finally picked up the last fortune.."The true way to soften one's troubles is to solace those of others."

They say God speaks softly. That you have to be really in tuned with what your heart is telling you, and so many people are not. So many people cover their hearts demands with daily demands, with routines and busy schedules and love lives without truly loving themselves. I have been on a quest for as long as I can remember to figure out what makes people tick and to see if there is something universal about how we live our lives however different the lifestyles may be. I've always wanted to see the underpinnings of how people got to be who they are. Now I'm a mom. And I'm 22. And I never thought I would be these things at the same time. But I know that I am not the only one in this world who can say both of those things. Simple as it may be, it's a lifestyle and one that separates me from my peers and it can be lonely to say the least. So maybe that's what's really going on here. I'm reaching out because it's lonely and because I'm hoping that some other types of lonely will appreciate it too, and in finding comfort in our words we will begin to console each other. I'll be speaking from the heart and I hope it shows through.