Looking On the Bright Side

In lieu of having my own grand awakening and discovering a way to simplify life, I have succumbed to using daily reflections ( and I do mean books titled Daily Reflections) and motivational quotes to guide me and keep me focused. I am missing a very important outlet in my life and even though I don't know how I will ever balance it into my lifestyle I do know that there's something lurking beneath my conscious level that has started to poke its ugly head through to my routine.

I started noticing that my wishful thinking has taken on a life of its own. I'm not just dreaming of travel anymore, I'm constantly seeking out cheap flights while I'm at work and creating lists of the places I need to step foot on before the age of 30 while I cut up the kids' chicken nuggets for dinner. I get emails sent directly to my phone from travel websites luring me with their seductive offers of far away lands for discount prices. With shaking hands I open the images to let my already corrupt brain take in more fuel for my hazardous thinking. I mentally calculate dates for travel and sometimes use the calender device on the site to let my fantasies become closer to reality by seeing a plausible date and time when I could make my journey to the enticing locales.

I am not being reasonable and I know this. I am doomed to live an unfulfilled life if I don't get the hang of being a full time parent and free spirit at the same time. My kids unfortunately would be doomed to never knowing a consistent parent which could very likely wreak all kinds of havoc on their own development and future relationships which frankly I just can't have hanging over my head.

I get that life is a struggle. I get that these things make you stronger, those that don't kill you, as it is. And that at the end of every storm comes a rainbow; so on and so forth. Notice the heavy influence of common wisdom often found on quote websites? For whatever reason, be it mood swings, PMS or being "in a rut" I can not in a sane sort of self controlled manner endorse these sayings and not only do I not agree with them, I would like to punch them if they were physical beings. I would enjoy seeing a cardboard cut out of these cheery expressions so that I could irrationally soothe my annoyance by demolishing them with my bare hands.

I don't want to be told all the things I already know. I want some sort of magical windfall of grace and acceptance for my role as a parent and wife. I want to want all the things I already have and not keep longing for this other life that coexists like a ghost limb making me feel off-kilter. Don't get me wrong, or do- I don't care, the fact that I love my family is not diminished by the fact that I need time to discover somethings about the myself and the world at the same time. I want to do both and because I was blessed with a child so early in my life the two tend to overlap. There are many things that I could say about how wonderful parenthood is but that isn't what I blog about. I want to write about all of the other stuff that gets pushed into the close with the rest of the mess in the chaotic life of being a mother. I'm speaking to the uneasy feeling of whether you are truly happy and if you will ever be okay with in the future being referred to as so-and-so's mother. It scares me into tears some days. It threatens to break me in half when I play the mental tennis of dreaming verses facing reality. I want to say that I have learned to look on the bright side of things but its not true, not yet anyway. From where I stand the argument that starts with "well, at least" doesn't sound so appealing to me. It reminds of a place, maybe like at the bottom of a pile of clearance merchandise at the Dollar Store. Not exactly the metaphor I'd like to gauge my life on.

Albeit, not my most lighthearted sentiment- here's to the search, here's to the struggle, and here's for those of us that are stronger for living through the struggle, and looking for that rainbow even if it's still raining and learning to pick our battles even if we're losing the war with ourselves. Tomorrow's a new day after all...look on the bright side.