Revelations

I've written before about that soul stirring experience of feeling connected to your true calling. I usually refer to it as the fire in my belly. That delicious energy that courses through you and makes you feel you can do anything, just anything if you could harness it for long enough. Unfortunately for me I tend to let it slip away and instead I'm awash in the pervasive mistruth that it can be done later and it won't fade. 

I had this moment of clarity today. Some refer to it as the ah-ha moment, connecting to source and what have you. I felt it like a lucidity so bright and crystallized I was in awe of it. I have been plagued with this wishy-washy non committal attitude towards almost everything in my life. I saw it in my writing-- this constant battle of what I want verses what I have, and a struggle of spirit to determine if I should continue along certain paths I discovered were laden with landmines aiming to destroy my goals. 

But it seemed so simple today. When I finally decided to stop being afraid of making decisions! Just like that the agonizing doubt that felt heavy in my chest vanished like vapors into the sky.  Isn't it true that sometimes the easiest truths to recognize are the hardest to digest? I don't want to be a girl so paralyzed with fear of what could've been. Or what will be. Maybe its generational or societal. How many of us question and doubt our steps maybe our whole lives through? Who's to say that whats be found on the other side of uncertainty isn't the stuff of magic? Here's what I'm suggesting today, whatever is stopping you or calling you, answer it with as much of that fire in your belly you can harness. Maybe it's a career change, a move, a muddled love affair or just a choice to be yourself for once.  When you commit to finally doing what your heart has been urging you to do all along everything falls away that was holding you back and when it's finally given a chance to grow wings trust me, you'll soar. 

Stuck In a Moment

Here I am again. Shame-faced and sheepish, trying to reconnect with an abandonned love. It's not that I forgot about you, because how can anyone forget what makes their heart beat faster and slower at the same time? It's just that you see, things get in the way. Things like responsibilities...friends...family... Things like, anything that will keep me from having to face you again. I knew I'd get back to you somehow. It just took me a while. Two years to be exact. Now how can that be? How many moments have there been in those hundreds of days that I didn't once stop to visit with you?

 I was in the skies sometimes in those last two years. Even then I didn't give you just a moment of my time. Travelling and landing in places I had told you I would see one day. My belly filled with meals of feelings of belonging and knowing. I met my family who's brown eyes reflected my own dreams, in Curitiba, Brazil.The barbed wires were hardened like the hearts of those on those cold streets. They kept warm with the flea lined coats of stray dogs, and I envied them, for being so close to the people I had never known I missed.  Over rickety bridges with my train pass in hand-- and crossing borders I carried thoughts of you,  by the red dirt paths that blurred as I rode past them in Foz de Iguacu. The mist of hundreds of water falls lifted me and I was floating. Beside me stood an aunt, a friend, a soul mate I had to wait to meet until I was ready. Together we laughed like calamity and drank cane juice on the side of the road. We shared our longings for love and I never even mentioned you.

Vibrant and alive I danced on the streets at night to the strum of  guitars playing to my heart beat in Barcelona. Struggling to breathe I searched for signals to connect with a home that felt worlds away. I smelled lavender in the air and it was like a sign, and it lead us to our hostel and I was home in my own skin. There must of been a moment that I stopped and told you all of these things? I must have known I would never remember to tell you everything, like how Madrid was hot and the sun shone down on me as I stepped out of the metro into the new side of me. Or how hibiscus drinks made my eyes swim and my heart swell. 

I drank in sunshine and ruby red wine on the grassy hill of the Sacre de Couer. I stood above the long road that freed my spirit, Champs de Elysees, high on an Arch of Triomphe, triumphant. And yet you would not know any of this or any of the soul stirring adventures that have come and then sadly passed. How could I have stayed away so long?

Here I am again. And here you are again: an empty canvas to challenge me, thrill me and at times mock me with my fears of failure. How thankful I am to have a love that will always allow me to return.