Lately, or always, I have been questioning some or most of things I face in my life.
It occurred to me on two separate occasions recently that no matter how hard I try to pursue a "normal" life as a twenty-something girl, the more that notion is ram shackled when I am rubbing elbows with said Norms.
I didn't see it before, just how hard I was pushing, wanting to prove to others that I wasn't behind and that I wouldn't be playing catch up for the rest of my life because of becoming a teen parent. My convictions and strive I think were generally fueled by this must-prove-them-wrong mentality. I kept going to school to finish and obtain at least one degree, my Associates. Just in time for my peers around me to be graduating with their Bachelors degrees and moving on to working 9 to 5 jobs and living with best friends turned roommates. I didn't buckle then. I fell in love and pursued building a family, a quick engagement and one elopement later, I was married with baby number two on the way. Congratulations people will say, you're so blessed others will say as they smile, all the while thinking, better you than me my dear!
Its a harsh reality, that, in becoming a parent so young I have a lot of setbacks in my life. I have a lot of dreams that I cannot commit to right now because my own youth is being shared with making lunches and potty trainings. Sometimes it feels like I'm window shopping for a life that would've been different. Does it hurt to admit this? Of course. Would I be lying if I said things were going as planned when I got pregnant at 19 and all was fine and dandy and I was just keeping on my cheery little way? Absolutely. What is getting me stuck though, like a quadruple knot you can't work out no matter how hard you tug and negotiate the string, is this pestering idea that I will someday "catch up" with life and be on a level plane with those that had their youth all to themselves, the hours and months they were allowed to explore, or be lazy, to drink or study all night, to travel for weeks at a time and to simply try out different lives until they get it right before the huge responsbility of parenthood is a part of it.
I was registering for classes at Lesley University for the upcoming spring semester when so many interesting classes caught my eye. I jotted them down excitedly planning my week nights and study hours I would need to complete them. I looked at my expected requirements for my degree plan and...I didn't need to take any of them. My classes that had transferred from BHCC filled in all the little spaces with numbers proving I wouldn't be expected to sit through those classes I was eager to be in. Now I know it sounds silly to not immediately be grateful to be a few thousand dollars richer for not having to take those classes but something in me registered in that moment, that no matter how hard I try or how well I do, I will never have that four year experience with the school I so earnestly sought out when I was still in high school. It's just one more thing on the list.
So before this gets too depressing let me interject something enlightened and gracious. My son is the light of my life. He is brilliant, he is funny and at five years old is the most popular kid in his school, and I'm not exaggerating. I found this out when we arrived to school slightly later than usual and he literally got a round-of-applause as he entered the classroom. He's such an old soul and so astoundingly kind that the only time I can remember him lashing out in a violent way was when he pushed a chair out of place, about a quarter of an inch.After which he promptly fixed it and stomped off to his room, upset I'm sure about something along the lines of not getting a third cookie. His little heart holds so much love for the people around him and his nightly prayers consist of asking God to never let any animals die and to help his classmates have happy lives. What he understands about life sometime is frightening, the matter of fact way he explains his living situation, one of the harder things about having two parents that aren't together would take the maturity of a well adjusted adult to grasp. He always forgives. His passion for basketball and learning is never deterred by anything. When I'm feeling down, I tell him he is amazing and good and loved and intelligent and what a wonderful life he will have when he is grown. Last night he told me he will grow up to be a scientist and basketball player. He said he will travel the world and he will learn all the math problems that ever existed, "Like 4+4!" he said happily as he grinned with his newly lost tooth adding to the precociousness of it all. He is worth every battle I face with my thoughts. And he is only one of my children! I would need an entire book to write all of the amazing things those two individuals bring to my life.
The other thing that happened that made me see- and it was like when your windshield is splattered suddenly with puddled water being pushed through by another car and your wiper clears it away, but just before you can see again, that moment of complete obscurity and instant scariness of what could happen in those seconds that you were blinded, was when when I sat with our family at a restaurant, my favorite, Border's cafe in Harvard Square. I sat down, excited to get started on those deliciously hot and perfectly salted chips, and looked around. I know I was in an area with mostly students. I know that most students will not have families to tend to at dinner. But the sudden apparentness of it all, the sheer contrast of my life next to theirs, literally a table away, they sat happily chatting, the ease of conversation when you are not distracted by crying two year olds and picky eating five year olds. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, embarrassed almost, as I had to peel away my two year old from interuppting two young guys trying to enjoy their fajitas in peace. I felt on display, like a Cautionary Tale. The perils of irresponsible adolescent choices and their consequences. I'm sure my husband felt it too. We joked about it and half heartedly said we just weren't cut out to be carefree young adults. Both of us I guess used our freedoms a bit too freely when we were just teenagers, and now look at life through different lenses, those that at times are tainted with harsh realizations of our mistakes but then again, rose colored with the blessing of being able to love our little family in the midst of hecticness that comes with piecing together your life and what's to come.
In those moments of clarity, when I have to face the could've beens and almost like a person who is insulted to their face by something they are already insecure about, I get this indignant fiery push to just go harder, earn more, get more, be more. And then when it fizzles I have to really face something, I have to admit to myself and others that it's not just hard sometimes it is just..different. I am different. My life is different than I always expected it would be. That's give or take 16 years of rememberable years of expectations. I am now only in my sixth year of living an altered life path. I don't know how long it will take to catch up with new dreams, new expectations and the letting go of the anticipated. I do know that so far, it has helped me to steam roll the limits of what I thought I could do. I can be grateful for that. I guess I am learning that being happy won't be about everything being perfect in all areas before I can be content.
I guess I am figuring out that there will always be something lacking, something pulling at my heart saying not yet, you're not there quite yet.
